The definitive take on Dan Levy’s eyebrows

On the draw of the Jewish Dad.

January 17, 2019

If you watch TV in Canada, you’ve seen Dan Levy’s eyebrows. Chances are you’ve tried to focus on something else—maybe the judges’ comments in The Great Canadian Baking Show, or David Rose’s chaotic hemlines—and your eyes kept wandering back to them. What’s happening? you may have wondered. What is this episode about? Do you think he uses any kind of product, or are they just like that? What’s going on in this scene? Why does he look so surprised all the time? Where am I? No matter what you’re doing, there’s something unbelievably entrancing about Dan Levy’s eyebrows. I’ve never been able to look away.

I want to go on record to say that his eyebrows are fucking hot.

For the record, I think Dan comes by the brows honestly. His father and Schitt’s Creek co-star, Eugene Levy (Jonny Rose), is a proud contributor to the Jewish tradition of having comically outsized facial hair. His eyebrows are dumb big, and you know what? They’re hot. And I don’t know if this is a hot take, but I’ll say it anyway: Dan’s dad, Eugene Levy, is sexy as hell. In fact, the whole damn family could get it.

Goldblum and Levy have managed to age gracefully, probably by avoiding being actively racist in public (this is honestly the secret, along with moisturizing regularly)

Is it bad to openly lust after a man who is literally older than my father? Probably. Is it equally bad to openly lust after someone who, knowing the migration and settlement patterns of Jewish immigrants to Canada, may very well be my fourth cousin by marriage or something like that? Probably. Will I stop? Absolutely not. I’m fully here for the hot Jewish dad aesthetic, and it seems like others are, too. Look at the case of Jeff Goldblum—another Jewish dad, only six years younger than the older Levy. Goldblum and Levy have managed to age gracefully, probably by avoiding being actively racist in public (this is honestly the secret, along with moisturizing regularly).

I don’t know what it is specifically about wealthy, ethnically ambiguous older men, but no one can seem to get enough. And the benefit of lusting after an older celebrity is that they have a whole body of work to lurk through, an easily accessible timeline of their past looks and evolving appearances, allowing viewers to give themselves the impression of knowing someone over time while retaining a healthy distance. Hot older men on TV are aloof, attractive, and visually curated. And unlike more contemporary celebrities, they can avoid the pressures of social media posturing and the feelings of inauthenticity and over-saturation that result from it. The magic of the hot Jewish dad is that he could be anyone’s authority figure, and no one’s all at once.

I’m exaggerating, of course, but not that much. Maybe I’m alone in thirsting after Eugene Levy, but I’m definitely not the only one fixated on Jeff Goldblum. The man has practically aged into the status of sex symbol in the eyes of bisexual girls everywhere. On the other hand, Eugene Levy has been residing in dad territory, at least aesthetically, for upwards of four decades. Though most people would recognize him from his role in American Pie—a film that, as a homosexual, I have completely erased from my memory and refuse to acknowledge—my education in Eugene Levy started with SCTV, a long-running sketch comedy show built around the antics of the Second City comedy group in Toronto.

SCTV was one of the few Canadian shows to successfully make its way onto American networks, and it was career-making for many Canadian actors—Levy’s Schitt’s Creek costar, Catherine O’Hara, starred on the show as well. What’s wild is that, even back in the 1970s, he was still solidly in that role, often playing nebbish characters with alarmingly prominent eyebrows. He was a walking Jewish stereotype, all nerves and nose and body hair. And though nothing about Levy’s career defining roles would position him as sexy, I don’t care. He’s fine as fuck. With or without the nerdy aesthetic, the eyebrows sold me. I love those caterpillars and I will not apologize. No further questions.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Dan Levy’s eyebrows.

They’re great. They’re the perfect level of too much. Nothing like this happens on its own without some kind of human intervention. Their shape is just too precise, their colour too strong. A bold choice like that is worth celebrating in and of itself. If I were the type to politicize men’s aesthetic choices, I would declare them a statement on queer and Jewish authenticity and audacity in a world that sees our features and experiences as unattractive or undesirable. But I’m not, and I won’t. It could be that deep, but it isn’t. They’re just hot.

Not cute or interesting, in the way we sort of fake it when an acquaintance commits to an unconventional style choice and we’re trying to be supportive. I love his eyebrows, and they’re hot. I don’t know if he just woke up with them that way, or if they’re the product of a carefully crafted morning makeup routine. For me, it’s signed, sealed, delivered; I all in for them, and I will defend my Jewish king and his eyebrows no matter what comes their way.

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